I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
