Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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