Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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