I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
