after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
