someone threw a dead crab at me
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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