Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
