Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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