Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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