mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
