matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
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