Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
