According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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