Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I intend to get homeless drunk
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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