Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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