This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
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since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
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So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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