Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm too high and old for this...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
