my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
