Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
