whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Randomize
