I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You pole danced in your parka.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
