This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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