I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
