god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
