Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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