I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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