i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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