So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
