Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
