If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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