Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
