; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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