I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
