i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
