The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
