Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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