He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
