somebody snuck up and got me drunk
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
