I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
