considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
