This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
