Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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