you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
