Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
