Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
