So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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