dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
