Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
