I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
