Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
