32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
