I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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