Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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