we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
